Hold On For the Ride: Good, Hard Work

It’s really good, sweet time at our house right now, but it’s also intense and lots of hard work. More work than Aaron or I were expecting, to be honest.

There are some things that are going really well. Maya and Sam LOVE having Matthew home, and they seem to have adjusted to life with him without any struggle. They are very happy to have us home, but the minute we were back with Matthew, they fell back into their normal patterns and seem very happy with things. That is a relief. We recognize that an adoption is a transition for everyone in the family, and we fully expected both our older kiddos to sense the disruption more.

There are some things that are really hard too. Attachment, for one thing. We are parenting this child whom we have known for less than three weeks. Yes, we stared longingly at his photos for six months before we went to China, and yes, we chose to have him in our family, but in some ways he is a still a stranger to us. This is compounded by the fact that he can’t talk, and can’t even really communicate to us in any concrete way. I am quite sure that he is also not yet attached to us. He’s very independent—probably from all those months in an orphanage—and he doesn’t put up a fuss when he’s passed around from one person to another. We are trying not to pass him around very much, just so he gets some consistency, but we’re also juggling this new life parenting three children, and the extra hands of friends and family members have been so helpful.

We have also stepped back into parenting a baby, which isn’t something we were expecting. We had in our minds that we were bringing home a toddler—which would have given us a very different set of challenges—but the endless bottle feedings, diaper changes, rocking to sleep, wake ups in the middle of the night, and constant supervision has been something that hasn’t been easy for us. Perhaps you could argue that we should have been more prepared for it—should have expected it—and you’d probably be right. But one thing we did realize is that parenting an almost 7- and 4-year old is really different from parenting an 18-month old who acts more like a 12-month old. We’ve stepped back into the world of babies, and it’s taking us time to adjust.

TIME is the key word here, I know. These relationships we are building with Matthew are all so new to all of us. I found out I was pregnant with Maya almost eight years ago. She was born seven years ago. And Sam was born four years ago. Seven years and four years are significant amounts of time compared to the less-than three weeks we’ve known Matthew.

And really, when it comes to parenting, logging in hours matters. No matter how attentive we are to Matthew right now, we can’t make up for the lost months we haven’t been with him. What we CAN do is keep moving forward with intentionality, starting the hour log NOW. Time is the great blessing in this situation—time to be intentional, time to be casual, time to just “be” together.

So we aren’t discouraged—not at all. We know this is part of the adoption path. When I hug my sister or laugh with her, when I look into her beautiful face, I feel SO attached and so connected. And this kind of attachment and connection happened because of all the years we’ve logged together.

I am not the kind of person who wishes to paint an ideal picture of the life we lead. There are many amazing, rich moments right now. Sometimes I freeze in my tracks and just stare that this little boy who, three weeks ago, was living in an orphanage in southern China—without parents, without family, without community. And now he’s here, with us, growing into a person who has a huge amount of potential. I continue to feel lucky to be part of his story and his family.

But I also know that transitions are hard, that new routines mean grieving the loss of the old ones, and that attaching to a little person who is new to our family doesn’t happen in an instant. So we’re logging the hours, faithfully trusting that the attachment will come. Until then, we keep gratitude in the forefront of our minds: gratitude for Matthew, gratitude for each other, and gratitude for the community around us who continues to support us so faithfully.