Crossing into Two

One of the things I’m aware of with Matthew, that is exactly the same as our first two children, is the way development sneaks up on us when we don’t even realize it. Everything seems so slow around here, until something pushes it over the edge and all of a sudden I’m aware of the enormous gains Matthew has made.

I can officially say that developmentally, Matthew has crossed into the terrible twos.

As you might imagine, this is both good news and bad news for our family.

First the GOOD NEWS: The terrible twos require a child to have a significant sense of agency—to have wants and desires he can’t express readily—and to feel like he’s safe enough to then be frustrated and throw a tantrum as a result. It’s a beautiful stage of development that I’m pretty sure all kids must go through on some level in order to move across a healthy development spectrum. So you can see why we are in some ways thrilled with this new stage.

But then the BAD NEWS: Compounded by his lack of language, the terrible twos have already proved to be really hard. All our kid has to express himself are about 10 signs, his body, and his voice. Several times a day, it’s clear that he wants or needs something from me—something I can’t understand—something that’s relatively complex. And when I don’t respond in a way that he wants, he immediately erupts into this ball of crying, pounding, kicking energy on the floor.

Dear me.

I find I actually have a lot of empathy for him—and can imagine how frustrating it is to be feeling complex emotions and making sense of the world around you, all the while feeling like the rest of the people in your life have no idea what you need.

And I will admit as Matthew’s mama that it’s challenging for me as well (and for Aaron and Maya and Sam too).

So we’re taking a collective deep breath and continuing to remind ourselves that although this particular season feels very TRYING, it’s our job as Matthew’s family to shepherd him through it as gracefully as we can.

As my friend Kim told me once when Maya was a baby, “each stage WILL pass eventually, and a new one will come.” I’m holding on to her words for probably the twentieth time in my parenting journey, trusting and believing from experience that this too is just a stage, which is easier bought in the early morning before the kids are awake than it is at 5pm in the middle of Matthew’s fifth meltdown of the day.

We do have some other good updates to share, thought.

Last week Matthew had his hearing tested on the right side (the last “all clear” we received was for the left ear!) and the test confirmed normal hearing on both ears (they actually got to the right and the left this time). So for now, we are moving forward able to rest confidently in the knowledge that Matthew has average/normal hearing. Hooray!

Also, I received a call from our school district on Friday confirming Matthew’s placement in the developmental preschool classroom at a local elementary school beginning December 2. This is also good news, especially during a season when we have felt very frustrated about the hit-and-miss care from our speech language pathologist. In fact, as I’m typing this, it’s been three FULL weeks since she was here working with Matthew. Ugh.

We are grateful for the daily developmental learning support that Matthew will receive in his preschool classroom. I look forward to visiting the classroom sometime in the next couple of weeks, just so I know where he is going each day. A short bus will come to our house to pick him up—he’ll have his own car seat on the bus, which one of us will strap him into. Then his teacher will take him off the bus at school and help him into the classroom.

It’s a big step for our family, but one that I am hoping will be so rich and wonderful for Matthew.

Finally, I was so blessed last week to have a phone conversation with another adoptive mom whose daughter, brought home from China just three months before Matthew, is experiencing some very similar delays and challenges as we are seeing with Matthew. She’s also not talking, and has been slow to respond to her social environment. Her mother and I both feel strongly that our kids received very neglected experiences in their Chinese orphanages, and we could talk very openly about how angry we both still feel about the poor starts to life our children received where they were.

I’ll admit to you that sometimes we still feel somewhat alone on this adoption journey—while there are many parallels to other families’ stories, ours also feels really unique sometimes. I was so heartened to connect with another person who is experiencing a lot of what we are right now. Deep love and attachment for our child coupled with some pretty overwhelming delays. And most of all, a very uncertain future.

For we have no idea where Matthew will end up in his life. I’ve been so grateful that those in the medical profession who are caring for us have been resistant to diagnosing or labeling Matthew just yet. I still feel like he’s waking up from his “orphanage coma” and we haven’t seen him completely emerge yet.

Which is hard, but also exciting—this waiting to see how things unfold. I do know that I continue to feel so thankful for all the support we receive from family and friends, who cheer with us (and groan a little too) as the temper tantrums begin and the little boy continues to come out of his shell.

So thank you—it means so much to share this journey with you.

Heading out for a walk with Mama.

Pumpkin carving complete!

Pippi Longstocking smiles at Elmo on Halloween evening.